Dilemma

I am always caught up in some type of dilemma. I have the absolute worse luck when it comes to dating, love, relationships. I met a man back in December at happy hour downtown one Friday night. I never go to happy hour and for some reason his smile pulled me in because I don't ever give out my phone number in a dark club. Experience.
He called and we clicked right away, but little did I know how short-term our new found attraction would be. Off and on since December we have talked on the phone, text messaged, IM. He broke up with his girlfriend in November who I found out later use to be my best friend when I was in highschool and now they are expecting their first man child this August. While he was broken up with her he backslide into his ex girlfriend before and now they are expecting their first girl child weeks apart from the first. Confused? So was I when he told me. Me being the smart woman I am you would think based off that information alone I would leave him alone and let him deal with his new baby momma drama he is about to experience.
I can't explain it, but we have a strong sexual attraction to each other that is unexplainable. He has tried so many times to leave me alone, and I have tried just as many times to leave him alone. We have gone months without speaking to each other and the next time I see him he is in my bed. Every time we are in each others bed we ask ourselves outloud "What are we doing? Why can't I leave you alone?"
There isn't a future with this guy. I like him a lot, but he has two children on the way by two different women who use to be his girlfriends less than a year ago. He lives by himself and according to him he has no intentions on moving in with either of these women, but will be there for his children.
During those months that we weren't talking to each other that was when he was trying to have a relationship with his pregnant ex that use to be my friend over 10 years ago. And then he comes back to me because for some reason what she is lacking I am giving.

I swear I am going to leave him alone. I don't need sex that bad. I have plenty of gentlemen callers I can utilize if the well became too dry, but until that happens I need to leave this guy alone. Too much sex especially good sex is a recipe for disaster because I will start to have feelings for him eventually. When I met him I thought he had the potential to be my boyfriend, and now six months later I find that not only will he never be my boyfriend, but I can't unattach our mid-sections from each other like two dogs in heat. Its sad.

That Thing...

That thing about a boy
That thing, That thing the boy does
He does things my body swathe with motion
That thing he does makes me crazy
Crazy in lust the boy makes me
Do that thing, that thing
That thing that makes his body shutter
In Unanimity our bodies merge into one
We do That thing, That thing
That thing about a boy
That thing about a girl
That thing

Doing it again

I have neglected this online journal I use to be so dedicated to once upon a time. Day to Day events come a go, but I haven't wanted to write or share my woes. Still single, still waiting for my next love, still a parent, still broke, still me.

I moved 1st of April into a nice 4 bedroom townhome. I have so far painted my 9 year old daughter's room and now I'm sick of painting. I still have 6 more painting projects to attack hopefully before the summer is over. I love to decorate, but when you don't have the money to get what you want right away it takes the fun out of the process.

I have stopped writing my book and decided to go back to school instead. I have changed my entire career path since the last time I wrote in this blog. My fictional book I was trying to write revolved around my main character who developed multiple personality disorder or DID and while doing the research on many different mental diseases I have become facisnated by it. How can anyone be fascinated by Schizophrenia, Obsessive Compulsive, Bipolar, Sexual Dysfunctions, etc?. I am fascinated how the human brain works and how it works depending on the social environment we live. Our minds are special and unique, but what I find interesting is humans should take care of our brain with the same priority we take of our bodies. I want to learn how to heal the brain using Ayurveda which is a holistic approach to healing that goes back billions of years originating in India. Ayurvedic healing includes herbs, nutrition, panchakarma cleansing, acupressure massage, yoga, sanskirt, and jyotish.
I have yet to see real evidence where prozak and any other purple or yellow pill the pharmaceutical companies push out to the public actually healing the mind. Its more of a cover up. When we get a headache we take aspirin, it goes away, but it will come back. That is not healing.
The same way we put a broken bone in a cast to heal, we should heal our minds in the same manner. With care, intent, and patience.
I will write a book one day, but hopefully it will be a book that will benefit mankind by teaching how to heal using what God put on this earth and not what man made in a lab to drug deal to the masses.

A religious experience

I have experienced something new over the weekend. I attended my very first Catholic wedding. It was surreal, serine, beautiful, angelic, loving, and the most time-honored ceremony I have ever witnessed. That is not saying a lot considering I have only been to two other weddings in my life, my mother when she married my ex-step person, and when my best friend walked her way to marital bliss. This wedding in particular has left an imprint on me.
I hate stereotypes and I want to start by saying that because I must admit that I am victim to one. I am always late. I don’t know why, but it is few too not enough times I will be on time anywhere. I am late on dates, work, happy hour, picking up the kids, not in that order. So, I was late and when you are late to a very caucasian and very catholic wedding, it will start on time. That is all I will say about that. I arrived just as they were saying their vows to each other. I had to look in the window from the side hallway like an outsider. I just stood there patiently in the hallway like a good girl who can’t show up anywhere on time. I watched the most divine part through the double pane window and it was still beautiful. I felt honored to witness the event and I will never forget it. The two older white women that first greeted me when I tried to tiptoe in told me when it would be a good time to sneak in. So we waited, watched and waited and then the part when everyone stood up that was my queue to try to sneak in like a weasel, but I still came off looking like a late bear. No one stared, thank God, but still I was obvious. Now I am standing in this large octagon shaped room with the acoustics any musicians would love. The priest was dressed in a gorgeous robe that was a white cream satin backdrop for his crimson fabric that draped around his shoulders. Each panel was ornamented with a gold cross just evenly. Latin was his language of choice and I figure if anyone is going to learn Latin, then why not Aramaic? You will have a conversation with the same amount of people, yourself. I am standing and the priest begins to pray. I can’t understand one word he is saying, but it sounds interesting. I slightly bow my head out of respect and then something happened. The congregation held their right hands forward and to my first and second glance it seemed like they were paying homage to Hitler and the chant like prayer they all began to mumble in a low even baritone didn’t help my imagination one bit. Everyone new the words, everyone except me. I couldn’t even pretend. While they were praying their chant of prayers, I felt a chill go through my body. It wasn’t the Holy Spirit chill it felt more like I was in a movie or another dimension type of chill. Images of an old twilight zone movie came to mind and a large, red, demon would break through the podium and everyone, but me would bow down and pray some more. Naturally, I would be the human sacrifice because obviously I did not belong.
That is just my dramatic imagination I guess. Of course nothing like that happened to me…this time, but still the chanting kind of creeped me out. Other than that, every thing I witnessed was again I say beautiful. The bride, the groom, and even the entire wedding party looked great on that day. I felt so embarrassed afterward because everyone except me was dressed so conservative and modest. I was not hooched out, but my shirt showed my entire back and my tattoo was blaring in the house of Catholic. I see people from my job and we talk for a few until we are told to go ahead to the reception. I don’t even take the directions because I have been to this place 3 times recently, so I knew where I was going. Wrong. Oh so wrong. I thought I knew where I was going until I realized I was so far west I was damn near in the foothills and believe me that is the opposite direction I wanted to go. I wasted so much gas I may have to work the ‘track’ this weekend to make up the difference. I figure out where I am at after driving miles and miles of endless highway and after all of my gas burning, I am early. Now I am early. I feel like I live in bizarro world sometimes. Anything up is really down.

The reception was fun and all I have to say about that is…I ate good food, got really drunk, made new friends, I think? …Went home, had awesome sex, inhaled a Viva burrito steak and cheese, and then I passed the fuck out in my bed alone. It was a good day.

My Life

I feel so depressed today. Why? Well because I am not happy with my life right now. I hate my job, I hate the people at my job, I hate my financial debt, I hate paying for daycare, I hate my car, I hate my apartment. Hate is a strong word, but it defines everything opposite of what I should be feeling. So I cried today when I went to lunch because I don't know what else to do. I have a plan to turn things around, but I don't know when I can put my plan into action. I don't know why today is the day I am going through this emotional rollercoaster, but it hit me hard just this afternoon. I don't have a college degree, so all I know is my current job and my years of experience out ranks a degree in this field. I don't want to do this monkey ass job anymore. I had my fill years ago. The main reason why I have stayed so long was because of the people and now that isn't enough anymore. I want to be a interior designer so bad it hurts, but it will take me 4 years of college and 70+ thousand dollars to make that dream a reality. My kids won't see their mommy anymore for the next 4 years and they are too young for me to abandon them for school right now. I don't have a husband obviously nor a boyfriend, so its me or nothing for them. I want to be selfish and just do what is right for me, but I can't because I love them too much. My current job pays very well, but I am always broke because I live alone and I pay for everything alone. The ironic thing is that I love being alone. I don't know if I could live with a man again, well I'm sure I can, but I don't think right now is a good time in my life to even try it. I could maybe get a rinky-dink job at a design firm, but I'm sure the pay will be disgustingly low compared to what I make now. I don't' know how I will live. I don't know how I'm living now. Paycheck to Paycheck is not the way to live. My plan is to pay off all of my bills as soon as I can. I will sacrifice new outfits, shoes, accessories, and anything else material just so I can get out of this hell hole and run after my dreams without the worry of money hanging over my head. I will downsize to a 2 bedroom apartment for lower rent and maybe talk my way into a design firm as a designer's assistant. I could learn the job from experience instead of school. I did that with the job I hold now, and most of my co-workers has bachelor and master degrees in telecommunications and still making the same amount of money as I do. The sooner I can get this ball rolling the better my life will be. I won't have to start crying on my lunch breaks because I feel like a trapped mouse in a cage. This is my life and I have the power to take control and go in any direction I want, so why do I let money hold me down? Why is money the roadblock that keeps me trapped in a bubble of despair and unfullfillment? I don't know why, but I need to stop thinking like this. I will stop thinking like this. I will give myself a deadline and no matter if I have my shit together or not, I am going to quite my job and live my life all over again. I have to for my own sanity. I don't want to cry anymore. Not over this.

Road Rage

Lately my road rage has been ridiculous. I thought I recently overcame this condition because I learned how to meditate about several months ago. The drive into work or anywhere else seemed so meaningless while people cut me off, tailgate, or just drove too damn slow. Well, for one reason or another I have since stopped my meditation regime and as time has gone by I have been more and more irritable with people. People in Colorado but are not from Colorado do not know how to drive. When the weather gets a little cold or snowy people drive like they are aliens and have never been in a car before in their lives. The other day I not only surprised myself, but I scared the shit out of myself. I was on the on ramp to another over crowded high way early in the morning trying to get across town to drop my son off to school and myself to work. There are two lanes on this merger ramp, but the left lane 'eventually' key word, eventually merges into the one on the right. Because people are stupid and don't know how to drive, 1 car decided to wait in the middle of this still two lane on ramp to wait for the car next to them to let them over. Instead of driving the rest of the way down the ramp and naturally merging into traffic, they are starting a traffic jam for no reason what-so-ever. I am getting more and more angry by the minute. I start to grunt, I start to grip my steering wheel, I start to cuss. My poor son, 5 years old and hears his momma talkin' like a angry trick on the track. I didn't care because I was experiencing road rage. These cars were just sitting there and sitting there so I started to rev up my engine. My engine mind you is only a 4 cylinder piece of crap, but I was revin' it up like a 67 Camero muscle car. My car is little, so I eye balled the space that was on the side of these cars and I decided that I can fit through and pass these ass holes! I will pass you all and laugh in your face..ha,ha,ha,ha! I'm looking, I'm revving, I'm looking and now cussing because they are still not moving! Ugggh! If I had a bat or a gun I would have got out of my car and beat the shit out of that one car that was making my rush hour drive absolute hell. There was so much space in the lane in front of this car and I could imagine my little bucket squeezing by and getting to where I needed to be. On my first impulse I did it. I turned my wheels to the left and went for it. As soon as I passed the nice, new Mitsubishi sport car that was in front of me I heard a long scrapping sound. It sounded more like two large pieces of plastic slamming against each other. I heard it and I grit my teeth and kept driving. Yep, I kept driving. Its not like there was a lot of room for me to drive too, but I made it past the rest of the cars without another scratch and was at the front of the merging lane. I was stunned. I can't believe I practically just did a hit and run. What if the driver got my license plate number? What if the police show up at my job and arrest me? What if my insurance drops me when they find out what I did? Oh God, Oh God...I am nervous! I am in bumper to bumper traffic and the car I just fucked up is only about 10 cars behind me. Oh my God! If I was the driver of that once nice Mitsubishi I would have kicked my little black ass! I guess because he decided to stay behind like the rest of the morons, he never caught up to me.
So now I have scratch marks on the right side of my car and I don't care, but I feel so bad about the car I fucked up. It wasn't even the Mitsubishi's fault, it was the car that was sitting there causing the traffic jam fault! I should have scraped up that car! Oh well. Still no police has shown up or called me, so I guess I will wait for my Karma when I buy a nice, new car.
I will start to meditate again and one day I will get control over my road rage.

HEALING India Arie

I release all these disappointment
From my mental physical spiritual and emotional body
Cause I know that spirit guides me
And love lives inside me
That's why I today I take life as it comes

MOTHER MAY I?

Moth-er: A female parent. The origin or source of something.

By definition my mother is a mother, but by the definition of society she is not even close. Not all people in this world love or like their parent(s) and it is usually for a good reason because as children we are naturally yearning for guidance and nurturing behavior from our parents, but when the child doesn’t get positive attention or is ignored all together it will effect said child as a adult and worse as a parent if you let it. In the beginning my mother did what she could, raised both my sister and I by herself for years. I may have felt a little bit neglected, but it was only because she had to work long hours at work to make sure we had food on the table, roof over our heads, and clothes on our backs. She didn’t have time or make time to spend with her children. Never took any interest in our daily activities and never encouraged us to be better at something. We went to school, she went to work, at the end of the day me and my sister would eat by ourselves in the kitchen and she would go to bed. No discussions about how our days at school went, or if we needed help with anything in life. She did her job as a mother, she was the parent and provided enough for us to live and get on with our lives. When I was 10 years old, she married my ex-step dad and things took a change for the better I thought. They bought our first house; I had my own room for the first time when I was 13 years old. We went on family vacations, family fishing trips, it was all about the family so most of my youth was in good standing until I started high school. This is when my mother’s real character came to the light and it took many years for me to realize the dysfunctional pattern she has with men and how that effects the way she treats her children.
When my mother becomes involved with a man that man and that man alone is all she will succumb her will to. Whatever the man in her life says goes. In high school my body began to fill out to it’s fullest and with my low self-esteem and unsocial status I never exploited what God gave me. My stepfather on the other hand began to notice and his glares and stares I never understood until my senior year. I was not allowed to join any sports, go to any games, parties, or any school or personal event. I especially was not allowed to date. I was younger than the rest of my classmates because I skipped the 2nd grade, so I graduated at the tender age of 16. My peers were 17 or 18 years old and I had to fight and scream for them to let me go to homecoming my senior year with my boyfriend. They new about my boyfriend that I met through my first real job at Taco Bell, but I was only allowed to see him when my stepfather said I could. My mother was not the least bit interested in my life as a teenager and never talked to me about anything. She never told me to not do drugs, smoke cigarettes, and to not have unprotected sex, so I never knew the consequences that come along with those things. Months before I graduated my stepfather seen my boyfriend drop me off a block from my house since I wasn’t allowed to see him for no reason whatsoever and that is when everything came to an end. My stepfather and I were in his room trying to discuss my options as if I was 18 not 16. My mother laid in the bed with him with the covers pulled over her head and she pretended like she was sleep. She let him run that show. He asked me if I had sex before, I told him I have and then he undressed me with his eyes and told me that he knew that already. I felt like I was being raped without being touched. He kept asking all kinds of personal and odd questions. I was crying because I didn’t want to move out of the house just because I wanted a boyfriend. My mother didn’t say one word. She gave birth to me and she let a man that has only been in my life for 6 years to decide if I could stay home or move out on my own. Because we couldn’t come to an understanding, I moved out and lived with my boyfriend and his mother. It was horrible, I didn’t want to move out, and I didn’t want to live with my boyfriend because they lived in a two-bedroom apartment and already living there was his mom, her boyfriend, and his little brother. The apartment had roaches and it was always nasty. One day after work I came “home” and everything was gone. My boyfriend’s mother moved out and didn’t tell us. It was time for me to graduate and because of what was going on at home I didn’t want to walk with my class. My stepfather told me that they would come but if my boyfriend were there then they would immediately leave. Take note my boyfriend has never done anything wrong to either my mother or my stepfather. He has never treated me badly and has done nothing but try to support me through my separation with my parents. They came to the graduation and I was happy to see my little sister, mom and stepfather until they seen my boyfriend waiting for me at the car to take us home and all hell broke loose. My stepfather yelled at me and told me that if he came they would leave so they all left. Again, my mother didn’t say one word. I cried on my graduation day.

My biological father died when I was 12, but he left me a little over $50,000 being his only child and all. I wasn’t able to get this money until I was 21. Well when I turned 18 Met Life would send my mother a check for $500 every two weeks and she would cash it and give it to me. When I turned 21 the checks would come to me directly. So my mother showed me the statements and the interest that accrued since I was 12 years old. She had kept this a secret from me until I was 19 and began to give me my money. Well I received $10,000 out of the 50k and coincidently when my mother and stepfather split up the rest of my money disappeared too. My mother told me she put it in a mutual fund and forgot which one she put it in. Wow. Now that I look back at the situation, who knows how long she has been getting checks for me and who knows if $500 was what they were sending her. She may have been getting $5,000 checks and only gave me $500 to keep me quite. I trusted my mother so not for one second did I think she would do something like that to me. I confronted her about it a couple of years later and she wouldn’t tell me the truth sticking with her ‘mystery mutual fund’ story, so I stopped talking to her for 2 years. She didn’t seem to mind either way.

I gave birth to my first child when I was 20 and she didn’t want to be a grandmother at all. It took me a while to realize this, but she would never help me with my daughter. I would have to beg her to baby sit and when I did ask her it would be maybe once every three months. She would usually have an excuse, but every once in a while she would say yes. Never came over to my apartment to visit with my daughter or me and I felt alone. My boyfriend at the time didn’t make matters any better because he basically dumped the responsibility of being a parent on my lap from day one. So now I began to pay attention to her as a grandmother and that is when I became sad. Sad because she didn’t love my daughter like I thought she would, only when it was convenient for her. She has been acting the same way with me all of my life.
My mother has never lived her life without a man in her life. Before my stepfather’s side of the bed was cold she started to date my sister’s father’s best friend for six years, and then she leaves him for their neighbor upstairs. Never has she had her own house or apartment to call her own. And when her man void is filled with whomever, she allows them make all major decisions in her life. Since my mother’s new fling ‘neighbor Jay’, she all together stopped seeing me and kids as often as she use to. She made it a point to only see them on their birthday and Christmas. We live 20 minutes away from each other and she never calls my house to speak to my kids or me, she never is concerned about our well being, she is enveloped with her new man and when that happens there isn’t room for anyone else. It has been really hard to accept this reality. How can I miss someone I never had? She has never been there for me, yet I still yearn for her attention. I wish and wish that she would love me as much as she loves her men. She has never made me or my sister a priority in her life and the sooner I come to accept this the sooner I can move forward. I can’t make someone love me regardless if they gave birth to me or not and I need to grasp the fact that she is in charge of her own life path and I for mine. I will one day stop letting her actions control my emotions and be a better mother than she could ever be if she tried.

I like you, you like me not

I am freakin’ out. I am freakin’ out! Today September 1, 2005 I did the most insane, asinine, not thinking, stupid, emotional retarded thing I could possibly do to myself. I am crying about it as I write this. I told the man that I think I LIKE a whole lot that I LIKED him a whole lot. Strait up I like you like I am in 8th grade and we are talking behind the gym passing the note with the horrific ‘check yes or check no’ box. Decisions, decisions… What to do. If it was only that simple. Let’s back up. I have knows this man since 1999, but didn’t get to start to know him until 2001’ish. Working with someone can form strange relationships sometimes. He was married and I was recently getting over my most recent 3-year sentence of a relationship gone to hell. The last thing I was thinking about was getting with anyone. I was 100% bitter about men, relationships, parenthood, and life. I was going through my motions meanwhile as time passed on, he finds himself going through a soon to be ugly divorce. Call it what you want, but the next thing I know the job makes a new seating chart and lo and behold they put us side-by-side, cubicle to cubical, neighbors. That is when the end came before the beginning. We were both emotional wrecks, our souls were out of touch with what was real because in our own way we were both still mourning our last loves and trying to heal our wounds. The problem came about when the stars crossed and he was born an emotional Cancer and I a double emotional Gemini. For some reason we were drawn to each other, but in a negative way. We lashed out and said rude and unnecessary things to each other all the time. We found each other attractive, but it wasn’t enough because our personalities were bi-polar. It was hot and cold it was craziness. People would say we would act like an old married couple because of the way we bicker back and forth every day like a old sketch comedy taped in front of a live studio audience. Insane. This dysfunctional friendship of ours lasted for about three years until one day. I met a man, but he lives in another state. We clicked right away. He was just like my dysfunctional friend except without the dysfunction. He was just as funny, intelligent, and has the cutest southern accent. Its not too strong, just a trace that makes it sexy. Well when my better half of dysfunctional found out that I went to this state to visit my new friend he started to act funny. Giving me the third degree, asking all kinds of questions, grabbing me by my elbow. Treating me like we were dating and he was trippin’ on me about another guy. By this time, I finally put my math of 2+2 and I confronted him and told him that he LIKED me and that is why he was acting crazy. Well, he didn’t like what the fuck just came out of my mouth at all. We stopped talking after that conversation for about a year now. I stopped counting after 8 months. I was keeping track and every day I didn’t speak to him and he didn’t speak to me it made me stronger, so I thought. It was a very slow and gradual process on how we began to speak again. It really isn’t the way it was when we were talking last and I am kind of glad about that. I didn’t initially start to like him. I just started to like him in a healthy way, not dysfunctional about a month ago if not less. I feel so drawn to this man and I do not know why. I feel like we have been through so much like an old relationship without the sex and romance. I feel like I am a better person now and not speaking to him for that length of time helped a lot. We were co-dependant on each other to abuse and lash out negative energy until near the end when it seemed obvious we were both getting sick of it. 3 years is a long time of mostly crappy times. Now that the history is out of the way for the most part, lets get back to the present. Today I told a mutual acquaintance of ours that has his own story, but I will have to get into that another time, I told him that I hand a crush on the man of the hour. Take note, these two are friends and I have had sexual relations with this mutual acquaintance, so this makes things a little complicated. It has been over a year since such relations were consummated, but still..they are friends. But so are we. For some reason it seems to be impossible for me to have a male friend that is somewhat good looking and not eventually have sex or try to have sex with them. I digress, he has been begging me all week to tell him who I have a crush on, because he wants to still have sex with me. Oh so bad, he wants to have sex with me. He asks every day and I have told him every day, ‘no’ or ‘I just want to be friends and if you are only talking to me for sex then you can stop talking to me.’ We are friends, just friends in a way that one of the parties wants to have sex, and the other doesn’t. We talk about normal stuff and take breaks to laugh at people in the office, like what friends do. I tell him my crush and he still wants to have sex. It amazes me, men and the way their minds work. Then tried to black mail me and say he would tell unless I gave him sex. Again, what in the world is he thinking? Take one of my kid’s hostage, then we can talk black mail, but holding a stupid thing like a crush that is between not only two adults, but one’s who are in their late twenties and early thirties. So fuck it, I laid the bait and sent him an e-mail saying “Did X say anything to you today about me?” About 20 minutes later with no response, he comes around the corner with his keys in one hand and his satellite radio in the other. He goes right into it, “Like what?” I turn around in my chair and there I am face to face with my crush and something inside of me said ‘NOW OR NEVER’ so I chose now. All that I could say was “I can’t tell you right here, right now.” His first question or accusation was, “What, You and X are fuckin’?” That was the last thing I had expected to come out of his mouth, as soon as my brain processed what the fuck he just said to me my face immediately turned sour and with disgust I said “No!” I just shook my head and looked at him crazy for that entire 1.2 seconds until the next question, he points to my supervisor’s office and again now, with a look of confusion I shake my head no. I guess he was out of options after that and kept asking me what I was thinking X told him about me. The whole thing happened so fast I felt almost forced to tell him. He told me to answer my phone and walked out the door dialing my work extension on his cell phone. My heart is racing and adrenaline is racing through every course of my being. The phone rings I look at the caller ID and it is the same cell number he had a year ago when we use to talk more often. I answer with my eyes closed. Hoping the answers will come to me. Something clever and simple. The next thing I know I start to ‘himmm’ and ‘haawww’ and something inside me told me to act like a grown ass woman and talk! So, I began to finally talk and there was complete silence on his end just waiting for it. I say to him, “I uhh, kind of wanted to tell you that I have a crush on you.” I was 8 years old all over again and there was nothing I could do about it because the words came out of my mouth already. His response was “I already knew that.” No, his cocky ass didn’t. I tried to briefly explain that this thing I am feeling now is real and thing he thought I was feeling before wasn’t. He pretty much didn’t have anything else to say after that. So feeling awkward I told him that X was threatening to tell him, but I didn’t tell his exchange rate because that would not have been good pimpin’. Well I can’t call what I did pimpn’ but maybe more like dumb little girl shit. We hung up like there was some type of unsaid understanding. I don’t know what to make of the phone call. I guess that was his way of saying ‘no thank you’. Everything I feared came true, rejection. So, I sent him a friendly e-mail because when something is on my mind I have to express it. Tell me if this is sad…
Look....
I am really embarrassed. I may have kind of liked you in the past, but in a different way. I wanted to be more of a "friend" than anything else despite your accusations.

Recently I discovered that I really like you. In a healthy way not dysfunctional. I just told XYZ today and it was like pulling teeth for him to find out. Now he has been threatening me about telling you...I guess I beat him to the punch. I shouldn't be scared, but I am. I know you don't like me and that is why I didn't want to say anything and that is why I was scared.

Oh well. I hope things don't become awkward between us..I will go about my days as normal. Its no big deal..I will get over it eventually :-)


And now I wish I didn’t send a stupid e-mail and I wish I didn’t open my big mouth today, and I wish I could take everything back. But if I truly wished any of that, I wouldn’t grow and that defeats the purpose of life. So here I am again, the rejected girl sittin’ sad and pitiful waiting for a response.

Fiction

Imagine with me, rolling lush lawns cascading towards the Alumni building like small green tidal waves. Red being the opposite side of the color spectrum the main hall stood strong against its natural green backdrop. In a far away distance walking towards the main entrance was a young statuesque blond beauty. When men see her walking down the long concrete catwalk it was always captured in slow motion because it made every sway of her hip, and every stride of her long legs, mean that much more. Men would not only glance, but awkwardly gawk at her existence. She literally stopped traffic and what made her even more of a dime was the fact that she was unaware of her natural beauty, and has a 3.7 grade point average majoring in political science. When you describe her, she almost sounds like a human on the endangered species list. Because it was Tuesday her afternoon was free of any classes, walking back to her dorm room she was hoping Ashley had already gone to her Psychology class so she could have the room to herself for an hour at least. Skipping every other step of the three flights she had in front of her, the Seven jeans she bought herself last weekend were getting broke in with every inclining step. Oblivious to the numerous stares and stupid smiles all she can focus on was her door with the large tarnished number 6 looking more as a welcome sign with a smile. Trying to readjust her books in one arm and get her keys out of her duffle bag with her basketball jersey and gym clothes in the other made her look a little awkward, but with out a sound she made it inside her sanctuary. Sighing deeply, “Home at last”, she whispered to herself when she put everything down and fell on her bed that for some reason on this Tuesday felt more like a thousand feathers on top of a thousand clouds. ‘Ahh, heaven’ is all she could think. With the sudden urge to pee, she regretfully gets off her bed of a thousand future winks and heads to the bathroom. “Ashley! I didn’t know you were in here! I am so sorry..” The door slams close, a gush of wind startled me out of my trance, and I slowly realize that was Laura. Apologizing repeatedly, she hurried out of the bathroom as fast as she could out of embarrassement. My hand is under the now cold bath water with a reddish pink cloud diluting and dispersing around me. I yank my hand from under the water and realize it was a razor that had cut my hand deep into my right palm. “Oh my God” I said out loud, my voice echoed off the walls like a canyon. “Ashley are you alright?” Laura called from the other side of the door. “Uh..Yes I’m fine.” Voice cracking with strains, “I just cut myself shaving.” Not believing the words vomiting out of my mouth it was a surreal moment. “Oh, o.k. Sorry I didn’t knock. The room was quite as mouse when I came in, so I didn’t think you were here.” I hear Laura’s voice through the door, but I am not listening to one word. The razor is across the bathroom floor where I threw it. ‘Surrounded in my blood?’ I quickly jump out of this water hell I created and grab the first towel I see and wrap my hand so fast and tight just trying to stop the bleeding. I guess I must have hyperventilated or I got up too fast because ten minutes later I woke up on the cold, wet tile floor, naked and cold. “Oh my head” I whimper to myself. I don’t hear Laura anymore; I guess she must have left. “I passed out, I think?” I am asking myself questions as if someone is hear to answer them. My right hand must have just woke up too because I start feeling sharp pains rip through my arm and I look down at my hand wrapped in Laura’s new Ralph Lauren towel that once was pale yellow with paisleys and is now drenched with my blood. “Oww..My hand” I start to cry and I feel it coming because my nose feels congested and my face is twitching in agony. “My head hurts so bad” I never realized how loud my voice echoes in this bathroom until now and I really didn’t care because of the combination of cold snot and hot tears was enough to deal with. “Laura, Laura!” I screamed using every ounce of my energy, yelling for help. My voice strained and frazzled until it was too dry to yell anymore and I finally couldn’t do anything else except choke on my own spit. No one came. She was gone already. I know its only been ten minutes since I passed out because when Laura was yelling through the bathroom door I remember her telling me ‘You’d better hurry up because your Psych class starts in 15 minutes!’ Looking at my chrome analog clock my mother bought me last Christmas it clearly showed 1:00 when Laura barged in on me. And now its 1:10. I slowly picked myself up from this wet, stained, ugly, white ceramic tile floor still crying and shaking all over. I held the pedestal sink like my crutch and slowly pulled myself up off the floor. I couldn’t help but look at the full bathtub that is now a rose shade of pink. I glanced across the room to where I threw the razor. “What in the fuck just happened?” I said it, not expecting an answer, but the sound of my own voice brought me back to reality as each minute passed.

Poop at Work

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.


CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.


FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.


TURD BURGULAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

You Will Know---Stevie Wonder

"You Will Know"
Lonely one of young so brokenhearted
Traveling down the right road of life
Using pharmaceutical extractions
To find the paradise

Finds the high but comes down feeling lower
Gets down on their knees and starts to pray
Looking up to heaven for the answer
They hear a voice that says

You will know
Troubled heart you'll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show

You will know
Troubled heart you'll know
Every life has reason
For I made it so

Single parent trying to raise their children
But they would much rather not alone
Reaches out to find that special someone
To make their house a home

Finds someone but no one is the right one
Gets down on their knees and starts to pray
Looking up to heaven for the answer
They hear a voice that says

You will know
Lonely heart you'll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show
You will know
Lonely heart you'll know
Every life has reason
For I made it so

To marry or not to marry...

I recently decided that I do not want to ever get married.

That may sound a little much or maybe hasty, but I mean it. I don't see the purpose of the institution. I don't personally believe that I will be judged or sent to hell for not having a over priced ceremony, making all of my friends wear ugly dresses, and expecting the rest of my friends and family to spend all of their hard earned money on stupid blenders and crystal frames for me and my husband? I don't get it. Its not the idea of marriage the bothers me, its the commercial aspect of the actual wedding and all of the rules that become attached to your relationship afterward. I don't need to feel more secure about my relationship with someone because they are now called my 'husband' instead of boyfriend, lover, man. What's in name? If I love you and you love me, why should it matter if the state, country, government knows about too? What if, What if shit don't work out. Then what? Most people just break up, eat a lot of oreo cookies, and cry for a couple of weeks. When you get married and you want to break up, not only do you try to work it out anyways because you are 'married', but you put yourself through years of torcher and unhappiness for the sake of your marriage. Kids grow watching mommy and daddy fighting all of the time, or affairs start to happen because the title of 'Marriage' is hanging over you head like a dead mistletoe.



People have divorces like women have abortions. Nobody cares anymore. Everyone gets married for the wrong reasons and people have unprotected sex like there isn't any consequence and when the inevitable reality hits home because of your thoughtless actions the first options are divorce and abortion. People just do things without thinking and it has spread like a disease in America especially.

I absolutely believe in love and I love being in love because it is one of the best feelings one person can experience, but I don't want to be married to my love, I just want to love my love for as long as our love last. Keep it simple and your life won't be chaotic.

Parent 2 Parent

Your job is to render them independent; to teach them as quickly and completely as possible how to get along without you. For you are no blessing to them so long as they need you to survive, but bless them truly only in the moment they realize you are unnecessary.


I wish most parents would think like this before they procreate and raised co-dependent, lazy, disobedient kids. It is honestly not that hard to teach your kids to do things for themselves on a grander level than the basic teaching we do as parents. Nanny 911 is insane. We have all seen these type of kids in grocery stores and anywhere else in public and I know I would just shake my head out of dismay and my kids would do the same. I couldn't imagine living with little people that have no say so about hardly anything, running around like they own the show, like they pay the bills, like they know what's really going on...UHH I don't think so. Whoop dat ass! And follow through with what you say and that should work until they turn 13 years old. Once pre-teen/teenager time happens all kids lose their damn minds and ya'll might read my blogs from prison because my kids caught a case. Don't even want to think about that yet.

words of wisdom

• Choose, but don’t want.

• You cannot have it all until you are willing to give it all up.
  
  
• Unity, Humility, Patience.
  
  
• Thought, Word, Deed. Trilogy to success
  
• If there were such a thing as sin, this woud be it; to allow yourself to become what you are because of the experience of others.

Something to make you go hmmm...

The point of life is not to get anywhere—it is to notice that you are, and have always been, already there. You are, always and forever, in the moment of pure creation. The point of life is therefore to create—who and what you are, and then to experience that.

Coulrophobia

I am not sure if many people are aware of the terminology of "coulrophobia" but its a fancy word for people like me that are deathly afraid of clowns. I know that may sound funny to a lot of people or maybe some of you can relate. I don't know why I am or how old I was when I discovered this, but it is very real. I wish more people would respect it as a legitament fear, because I am not scared of spiders, snakes, high places, water, or anything else except clowns. Now I am not scared of all clowns and that I find interesting. I am only scared of circus clowns and I mean the kind of clown with the white face, read mouth, crazy hair kind of clown. Hobo clowns or cartoon clowns don't bother me at all, only circus clowns. Ronald McDonald scares the crap out of me. About 8 years ago I was driving down the street with my ex-boyfriend and we were going down a residential street. We are passing a elementry school and Ronald McDonald was crossing the street just as we were approaching. I guess that was the kids special guest for the day. I seen him from a distance and as soon as I figured out who or what it was I freaked out! Thank God I was the passenger, because if I was driving I might have ran him over. I screamed in terror and tried to hide under the dashboard as best as I could. I started crying and hyperventalating at the same time. I freaked my ex-boyfriend out so bad he almost crashed the car because it was such a sudden reaction. It took me hours to get my composure back. That haunts me till this day!
Another incedent is when I was at my ex-best friends house for my ex-god son's 3rd birthday party. She was well aware of my phobia, but she decieded to hire a clown for his birthday anyways. I couldn't miss my god-son's birthday, so I went to her bedroom when the clown arrived and they were suppose to get me when the clown left. Well her aunt that it would be funny if she asked the clown to go to the back room and say hello to me when her act was over. I was sitting on my friends bed watching t.v. and then I hear the door open. Sure enough the clown lady opened the door and I freaked out once again. I screamed at the top of my lungs and the clown walked back out of the room because I think I scared her too. I ran behind the door and immediatly went in the fetal position and cried like a baby. The clown lady was confused, the kids didn't know what was going on and my ex-best friends aunt had the nearve to laugh about it. When the clown left, inbetween my tears I cussed her aunt out infront of everyone and I left the party. My ex-best friend called to apologize, but I was mad at her for letting it happen in the first place.

Oh well. Here I am a grown ass woman scared of clowns and if any of my enemies new how to get to me the worse way possiable they would send me clown heads or leave pictures of clowns on my desk at work or something. But thank God nobody has tried that yet. I would lose my job or go to jail if anyone would dare to try.

A poem for me

A poem for you miss Panya
I hope that I can make u smile with these poetic words
The sun will shine on u this wonderful day
much blessings and love in so many ways
I pray the Gods will keep you in their protection
by the way have u met any more jerks with hard erections
tryin to run that silly game
yo baby yo big pimpin my name
shit insane and so is this
but u asked. so please don't diss
I'm pissed b cause I still can't have u
I'm confused straddlin the fence to get next 2 u
but don't pay me no mind
yo boy gone mad
until next time
at least I hope u laughed

Eyes wide shut

I wonder about the man I haven’t met yet. You may ask what I mean by that and this is the only way I can think to describe it. From the first day you are born into this world, you are instantly introduced to people that you don’t have a clue about. From that day forward you will constantly be introduced to people you would never know otherwise and they leave their imprint on you like a dirty glass of wine after a good party. Most of these people at first are relatives of some sort, then friends, neighbors, teachers, and many other faceless people that you will meet during day-to-day life. I will one day be introduced to my next love, my next enemy, my next whatever. I just hope I don’t miss a connection because of my bias opinions and misconceived ‘by the cover’ judgments I tend to impose on most men I meet. I think I have been keeping my eyes wide shut, I mean open for the most part. It’s just the same sad single girl/boy story that every single girl/boy has in every city. They are making reality shows about it and we feast off of it like starving addicts. Well, at least I know I do. I like to watch Blind Date, it is funny as hell. It’s still funny. I think its good therapy for people because some men and women need to see themselves on tape so they can get a clear understanding of what not to do on a date. I used to watch that show Shipmates just for the subtle mix of Jerry Springer and Blind Date in one. They stick two people on a cruise for three days and all I can do is laugh watching it. I couldn’t do it. I would have given UPN great ratings if they stuck me and a scrub of a man on a boat for three days. Sick with it. I would have to ditch him and hang out by myself cause I couldn’t keep putting myself through torcher for a show. Just couldn’t do it. I have been on dates and I know a camera crew should have been following us around the entire night cause nobody was going to believe me when I told them about it later. I know a lot of people have some good stories and I am sure a lot worse than I could imagine.
Back to my initial point, the world is too big and love is too universal to not experience what it has to offer, it can affect anyone at any time like a disease in a good and bad way. With every high off love, there will be a crash of heartbreak. It is how we deal as individuals that makes or breaks this experience. Sometimes people let it consume their lives and they let the emotion control them instead of them controlling their emotions. You her about it in the news all the time. Title: MAN SHOOTS EX-GIRLFRIEND, 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, AND THEN HIMSELF. Is it me, or does it seem like men initiate the majority of these fatal shootings? Is it because his ego was bruised because his once lover, his once controlled pet is now in the arms of another? Instead of reflecting on himself to find out what went wrong, he automatically calls her a whore, pulls his pistol out of the old shoe box, downs one too many shots of Jack, and the next thing you know three or four people will be in the headlines the next morning. Another reason why I am single, the idea of obsession scares me, insecurity scares me, it scares me away. I don’t like that in a man because that tells me that he still doesn’t love himself and until that happens he could never love me. Not many people understand that, but the few that do can relate and appreciate what I am saying. Eyes wide shut, eyes wide open I will continue to wonder about my next love and when it happens everyone will know.

Booty Call

12:00 a.m. and I am waiting for my booty call. Yes booty call. It’s all good; I have to get mine like you got to get yours. The trick to a successful booty call for me is to find someone that I find attractive enough to daydream about and make myself have over twenty orgasms and someone who I can separate my feelings from our sex feelings. I come across these kinds of lovers as often as one can randomly catch a shooting star on a clear night in the city. Because I am who I am it is a little tricky for me to separate my feelings at first. Because I am single I always want that possibility of something more, but with my luck or my laws of attraction I have so far been shootin’ craps for a while now. At least I am still getting some on the side in between my dating whoas. Why are booty calls so late? Who made up that rule? Why can’t a random booty call take place at 12 noon instead of midnight or later? Will the party making the booty call feel obligated to spend time with the booty call because the sun is out? On a Saturday I think I would much rather that call to come in the afternoon when I am usually not doing anything, than getting the drunk call after the club sounding like, “HELLO!! What choo doooin’…What choo wearin’….HEY MAN GET OFF MY CAR! HA,HA,HA,HA,…What choo doin’?…Can I cum over?” Oh yeah that really gets me in the mood for a little sometin’ sometin’. In my current case my concubine works graveyard shift, so late is the only time we can hook up. I like it like this. He doesn’t call me during the day bothering me at work because he is sleep. His breaks at work are short, so when he does call me in the evening the conversation is a confirmation call for our reservation to sex town. Ahhh, the successful booty call it’s a beautiful thing for its short-lived life.

SETTLING DOWN?

Why do people think that it is o.k. to settle? Not all of us are perfect, but are we suppose to feel less of a person because of this? I don’t think so. A 32-year-old gentleman seems to like me. I use the word seem because he has made himself a little bit obvious about his feelings towards me. Asked me out to lunch, comes by my cubicle to say hello, sends me e-cards from Hallmark wishing me to have a beautiful day. Things of that sort. On paper, this guy is perfect as far as having his stuff together. He has no children, one dog, owns house, nice car. So far so good, right? Wrong. Yes, he has half of what I am looking for, but not the entire package. I also need a man that can make me laugh, he has to have something about him that makes him attractive to me and that could be mental or physical but it has to be something. I need a man that can understand me, not judge me, encourage me, and to just love me for me. I know that may sound like a tall order, but I rather find a man with the qualities that can develop into love than have a man with a lot of material possessions and lives a material lifestyle. I would be happy with a starving artist or a passionate poet before I would settle for a suite with a good job and big house. I went to lunch with this guy because despite his outer appearance I felt that I should give him a chance to show me something underneath his poi Dexter exterior. We talked during lunch and it was more of a back and fourth get to know you better type conversation. You know how you have to give a mini interview over a meal, I hate that, but it seems to be part of process when it comes to dating. His looks don’t do it for me, and the way he speaks doesn’t do it for me either. I normally love to see a man in a suite, but when that man only stands 5’4” tall the suite becomes invisible because all I can see is his height or lack thereof. He not only speaks like a proper white man, but a square proper white man. I have dated white men in the past and believe me when I say they were all way more hip than this guy was. He is polite and is very intelligent, so why do I feel like I would be settling if I gave him a chance? I wasn’t attracted to Royce when I first met him, but after time he won me over. Should I give this guy a chance? I am not sure. I swear that if he was a little bit more cool and laid back or maybe if he were really funny I would be all over him bad looks and all, but he still is giving me the impression of being a square. Don’t get me wrong because I am bit of a nerd myself, but I do know how to have fun. My ultimate question I ask myself when I like someone is if they can hang out with my good friends and get along or not. I have fun with my friends and I would like my new man to be able to hang out with my friends with me and it be no problem, but this guy I wouldn’t even want to introduce from a distance. He is only in his early thirties, but he seems to be in his early forties based on his looks and personality. I am 28, look like I am 22, and have fun as if I were 22. I weigh the pros and cons and the cons always win. I refuse to settle. It is not worth it. I am still young and the world is too big for me to settle for someone just because they are financially stable. That is not enough for me. I would rather stay single and struggle, I would rather wait patiently for my true love when he is ready to come to me. Patience is a virtue is what ‘they’ say and that is what I will believe.

Man issues

I hate dating. I hate dealing with men. I hate going through the obstacle course of companionship. I am sick of the fact that every time I think I like someone they never like me back the same or visa versa. It's been happening like this for a while now. I don't know if its me or them, but its something. I think that I am a pretty nice person when I need to be, and I treat everyone with kindness and courtesy. Every guy I meet has something off about them and maybe its me being nit-picky or its really them. Today I am suppose to have lunch with this guy who works at my job. I know you are not suppose to shit where you sleep, but the job is moving him to Houston, so I won't see him that much. On paper there is nothing wrong with this guy, he is 32, single, no kids, one dog, owns house, drives a nice car. His main flaw is his personality or lack thereof. I haven't really had a chance to try to get to know him since our first encounter was us eating a sandwich and asking each other a lot of questions about ourselves. "What do you do for fun?" "How many brother and sisters do you have?" Things of that nature. I went to the guy I have had a crush on for the last 4 years to ask advise about this new guy I don't give two shits about. The guy I have a crush on does not feel the same about me because he won't date anyone who has two or more kids and we have a dysfunctional past friendship that will always be remembered. Well I have two and they have nothing to do with my dating life. They have never been introduced to any man I have dated because that was all we were doing..dating. Now when I finally find someone to get serious with, then maybe that will happen one day. So I feel stuck because the man I want to be with doesn't want me, and the man that wants me I don't want to be with. Will will this retarded cycle end? I am getting frustrated about the entire thing.

Dog day at work

I am so bored today at work. I have been at my job for seven long years and it is the longest job I have ever had in my 28 year old life. I just want to stab myself with a spoon like the prison scene in that movie American Me. Right in the jugular. If anyone has to go inside a dull building, to see a bunch of dorky people, and have to sit in a small cubicle everyday for seven years, then you know how I feel. Dilbert has nothing on me and what I go through. Let me tell you about some of the characters I have to deal with on a day to day basis. Let's see, there is this woman we call 'Pay Day'. I work in corporate America and business casual is all that is required in my office, but pay day takes it to a entirely different level. She is a women in her early thirties so she should know better, but she still comes into work with the most hideous weaves that are known to man or the Korean stores. I have nothing against weaves, wigs, tracks, braids, or whatever, but when you don't maintain the 'yak' that is when I have to talk about you. Her natural hair color is black, but she lays shiny, reddish orange wig like hair pieces on her head. Normally a hat, I mean wig like this would only look presentable for about a month at the longest, but she leaves on her contraption for at least 5 to 6 months until she gets a new one. So by month 3 people around the office start to talk and we even made up a pool guessing when she will get it done again..Hopefully on a pay day. The wind was blowing the other day and her piece was way over due for a replacement. Her entire wig blew up like a broken umbrella exposing her nappy, black hair that I have to assume was what she was born with. It was a perfect ring of black hair and net while her fire orange mop was trying to reach for the heavens or the nearest trash can, either way it looked really bad. So every pay day someone will just announce that it is indeed a pay day and she could go get her hair done if she really wanted to. It is always obvious that she doesn't think it is too important.
Another character is called Sponge short for Sponge Bob Square Pants. In her case she has a square ass, flat and has four corners. She thinks she is the finest thing invented since Cyndi Crawford. She makes less money than most in the office, yet because she knows how to charge a credit card she feels like she can pretend that she is better than everyone else. She shops at Nordstroms instead of Target. You would offend her if you even mention the word Wal-mart. Has to buy her 10 year old brand name purses so she can also pretend to compete with the other 10 year old girls that don't care about Dooney & Burke. Wide Load is all I can think of when I see her from her back side. This one better no let me catch her at a happy hour, it may get ugly.
All of the guys just sexually harass me one way or another. It is mostly the married ones or the ones who has been living with their girlfriends for too long. That is why I don't believe monogamy exist. Everyone cheats or is bound to cheat one day. Why force yourself to be with one person when it is obvious that isn't what nature intended. The entire concept of marriage was thought up by man, all of the rules of being or staying married was made up by man. I don't care about the rules man makes especially when it comes to my love life. After listening to the things these guys at work tell me, I don't think I will ever want to be married. I will just take on a partner and hope for the best. It's cheaper that way.
I still hate my job, but it pays the bills regardless, so hear I am typing my blog instead of making revenue for a company that doesn't care about me anyways.

Why ask Why?

Why Ask Why?


Why am I single?
Who asked that?
I don’t know.
You don’t know. Why don’t you know?
Well, I guess I know why, but,
But what?
It is only from my point of view.
Explain.
I have my issues, but my issues are what makes me, me. And my problem with this issue is finding another soul that can accept and hopefully leave his imprint that will help me become a better person.
So, that is why?
Why what?
Why you are single?
I guess.
You guess? I thought you knew?
So I think I know, as I said before it is only my point of view. Outside looking in, it could be perceived in a different light.
Why is it so hard to find someone?
I don’t know, maybe because there are a lot more souls now a days than in the past. With that logic it makes the path to your loves harder to find through the extra crowd in the way.
Interesting. So you think that because of today’s over populated world it makes it harder for everyone to find their loves?
Yes.
Why do you say love in plural?
Why not?
Well, most people think that they only will find their one true love. And then the search is over.
Well I don’t think like that at all.
How many love lives does one person need?
As many as it takes.
What do you mean by that?
I mean every love affair two people share regardless if it was painful or bliss it happened to teach you something about yourself. And the point to life is to find your true inner self, your soul and connect on a different level on a path to self-happiness.